The Least Successful Defrosting Device
The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster
whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it.
"I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips
got stuck fast."
While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he
was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away.
"I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of...
muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer.
He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until
constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot
Lips".
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Little Fly,
Thy summer's play If thought is life
My thoughtless hand And strength & breath,
Has brush'd away. And the want
Of thought is death,
Am not I
A fly like thee? Then am I
Or art not thou A happy fly
A man like me? If I live
Or if I die.
For I dance
And drink & sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
-- William Blake, "The Fly"
1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
2 pints = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
sunlight.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and
world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers
whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
Debian Hint #26: If a package doesn't seem to have much documentation,
check for a package named '
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally
established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon
or three normal sized billiard balls.
-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and related
hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, entails
dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take into
account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability to
influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The history
of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that can
ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken
for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations
are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful
experience.
-- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
Microsoft Corp., concerned by the growing popularity of the free 32-bit
operating system for Intel systems, Linux, has employed a number of top
programmers from the underground world of virus development. Bill Gates stated
yesterday: "World domination, fast -- it's either us or Linus". Mr. Torvalds
was unavailable for comment ...
-- Robert Manners, rjm@swift.eng.ox.ac.uk, in comp.os.linux.setup